Note: Eve Teschmacher is the name of a fictional character created by Richard Donner and Mario Puzo who appears in DC Comics media as Lex Luthor’s personal assistant and love interest. Originally created for Superman: The Movie, in which she was portrayed by Valerie Perrine, Teschmacher has made further appearances in other Superman-related media.
Eve, you’re a cautionary tale, prime example of untapped
potential, what happens when a woman who’s got it goin’ on
hooks up with a creep. You’re not the first female guilty
of giving more than she receives, of bending over backwards
for a bastard unwilling to rise from bed and drive to the ER
when she wakes with chest pain at 3:00 a.m. Some of us
have been dumped by duds we put through med or law school,
or discarded by selfish galoots always glued to the boob
tube. You’re quite dutiful. Forever willing to cosplay and don
blonde Marilyn Monroe wigs when Lex Luthor expects participation
in another world domination scheme. But Marilyn had it wrong:
there’s nothing worse than a smart brunette playing a dumb blond.
When did you adopt this bimbo disguise? When did you stop
raising your hand? Maybe freshman bio when the boy you crushed
on, a James Dean look-alike, sat nearby or when your dad declared
Smart girls don’t get asked to prom. Eve, you’ve got what it takes
to be on the level, to land a winner. Plenty of eligible bachelors blessed
with a full head of hair climb the corporate ladder at Wayne Industries:
black-tie men, paint-the-town-red men who ring doorbells
instead of honking from hot rods. Avoid spiraling like Harley Quinn
who traded Jung for the Joker. Mistah J’s not chivalrous.
Puddin’ will only send flowers laced with Joker gas.
Plus, who wants to sport pigtails in perpetuity? One day
Lex will wake on the wrong side of his California King,
lose his toupee to the toilet, and feed you
to the lions. The kept woman gig is getting old.
Time to get out while the getting’s good.
Rita Maria Martinez is the daughter of Cuban immigrants. Her poetry raises awareness about triumphs and challenges when navigating life with chronic migraine. Her Jane Eyre-inspired poetry collection——The Jane and Bertha in Me (Kelsay Books)——was a finalist for the Andrés Montoya Poetry Prize. Martinez’s poetry appears in The Best American Poetry Blog, Ploughshares, Tupelo Quarterly, Pleiades, and SWWIM. Her favorite comic book revenge story takes place during “The Joker War.” Barbara Gordon (Batgirl) taunts the Joker and impales him in the back with a piece of rebar after he breaks into her apartment.
