Making the Fall over You
Did you lose consciousness?
i don’t remember all that we said when we first met,
but i know the evening at that bar was full of
long island ice teas till they closed.
i remember you told me it was funny the way
my tongue hits the back of my teeth
before gagging on what i say.
Have you vomited?
i try to take my antidepressants every day, but lately
i have been wondering if they have fixed anything in my brain,
so i just cheek them every morning, hoping whatever dissolves
against my teeth before i spit it out can fool my doctor into thinking
that i still care about mental health.
Did you hit your head?
i have found these bruises on my body every morning.
i wake up feeling aches, and the man next to me tells me
he will never hit me again.
but each time i’m at the doctor, they ask me if
i feel safe at home.
i stutter to tell them yes,
i don’t want to share how scared i am every morning.
Do you take blood thinners?
my veins pop every time his hand hits my arm,
the weight of his anger, pushing my blood through thin vessels.
each bulge of liquid forcing past weakend valves to keep
me alive for another day of torture.
Have you had any changes to your vision?
when i first met him, i thought his body was charming,
his wit exquisite, and his anger would blow over eventually.
now each morning i wonder how much longer i can
pretend i’m blind to pain and still love him for his looks.
When I Have Chest Pain
Where is the pain in your chest located?
it stands directly behind my sternum,
recalling memories of twenty years ago.
when father and mother said they couldn’t love each other anymore,
but kept on cohabitating under a leaking roof.
When did it start?
i fear i’ve felt this for all the time i can remember,
learning to plough fields with the knife
they left pierced through my back,
turning the furrow they dug behind me into a path,
calling the sunset as the end of the journey, if i never quite find it.
Does the pain radiate anywhere?
at times i feel it spreading to my brain, a weed that is spreading past the confines
of my rib cage, and i’ve only learned to unpack
after five years of therapy
sitting on a couch talking about anything but my bodily pains.
Do you feel short of breath?
i’m still trying to learn where breath is made,
whether the soul births it, or if it is within the heart you question now,
or maybe my lungs form it, but they feel so tight right now,
i don’t believe they can make anything.
maybe it climbs up out of the legs.
each step away from that house makes my chest feel smaller.
Do you take any medications?
the doctor told me to take this pill, but i don’t feel the pain every day,
so the bottle sits full by the sink with its expiration slowly approaching,
without its quantity sinking.
like i told you, i don’t feel the pain now that i am here.
and i prefer not to take any meds.
if this is a heart attack, then life has treated me well.
Do you have any thoughts of harming yourself?
i don’t want to answer that question;
catching me in a trap like a mouse trying to plan an escape past its cheese,
we are here for my chest pain.
Intake at the Queer Clinic
How would you describe your gender currently?
i keep questioning whether i could connect with a bee or a bear better,
would my own faith grow stronger if i knew a hulking mass of nature could
carry me home like a cub at the end of the day.
at this point my own brain can’t comprehend if i was given a life to enjoy
or a body to mourn every morning.
At what age did you feel that your gender was different than your birth gender?
when i went to school the girls threw rocks at me from the swing set,
while the boys spat on me sitting cross-legged in the mulch.
theatre kids said i seemed to belong there, but i didn’t much like
the dancing songs they projected in our auditorium.
Any cross dressing as a child?
mother never let me wear her makeup,
she said the devil was hiding in her lip gloss, but only
when i put it on my own skin. i’m still trying to understand
how the molecules shifted between her porcelain face
and my ruddy chin hairs.
How long have you been called by your preferred name?
my parents gave me a name at birth, claiming they
blessed me from the god they called out to.
they said that it was meant to be, and now this name has followed me like a ghost.
i hear it calling out in the evening and haunting me inside my dreams.
its voice hits my ear and i jump, but i haven’t found a dictionary to tell me
what to call this set of bones today.
Any use of a binder?
when i was twelve, i used duct tape from my grandfather’s closet to wrap
every inch of my body, i would hide behind the door that
stank of motor oil and wd-40, using each metal tool as a mirror to catch
my ashen frame in view.
i learned that grey and sticky was better than whatever the mirror showed me each morning.
Any prior cross hormone use, prescribed or otherwise?
i’ve been drinking for days on end, i can’t even
remember the last day i drank just water.
but it numbs pain and memories with just the flip of a cap
and throwing back my neck for the lips of a shot glass.
i can’t remember the last time i felt happy when i looked in the mirror,
but i guess that’s why i’m always at the bar.
What are your goals for transition?
maybe one day, this skin will sag around my bones
without cursing me out with the angle of my jaw.
maybe one day, i won’t hide my needles in the backroom
next to a bottle of booze.
i’ll set them out on the table next to mascara and a picture of my vape,
left over from so many nights i needed to feel nothing,
before i dance into a room full of people singing my chosen name.
Sergiy Pustogarov (they/them) is a nonbinary immigrant poet and medical student whose work explores identity, healing, and the complex human experience at the intersection of art and science. Their writing has appeared or is forthcoming in Rattle, San Pedro River Review, and Sand Hills Literary Magazine, among others. Their chapbook, My Papers Here Were Never Real, is forthcoming from Quillkeepers Press in fall 2026. They can be found on Instagram at @watersidepoems. Their favorite revenge story is the movie The Paper Tigers.
